[Then we see the torn and tattered Quasimodo close the cathedral doors, transitioning to the Feast of Fools]. "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar" took you beyond imagination. It's showtime! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Just in time now! The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. [Roquefort runs to the trunk and works on the combination lock. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. Napoleon: You can just be replaced,you know. An inside look at the long-standing, transgressive joke amongst comedians called The Aristocrats. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. I never would have guessed. O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. Two-cylinder, chain drive. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Napoleon: 'Cause I outrank you,that's why. As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. 1 Mar. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. I'll be right back, y'all. Amelia: Oh! O'Malley: Three? Oh, no! Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Georges Hautecourt: And how we celebrated your success! Georges Hautecourt: Ah, still the softest handsin all of Paris, eh? Edgar! Abigail: Oh, dear! Take that! Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Duchess: Oh, c'est tres jolie,monsieur. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. Come on. Duchess? Duchess:[offscreen]His name is O'Malley. I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! Scratch one butler. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Now, tut-tut, Edgar. [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Toulouse: Sorry, Ol'Black face. Will you hold on, please. It was my favorite role. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves"! Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. I'm tryin'to get to shore. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! Back off, girls. Edgar Balthazar: Alright: The coast is clear. [ Chuckling ]. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. The Aristocats! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Lafayette: Well, where'smy beddie-bye basket!? Duchess: Now, Berlioz. Whew! Possibly a reprobate. Duchess: Le Petit Cafe? [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Then the father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head-first back into the mother's vagina, while the daughter's piss rains down on all of them. And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Hop aboard the motorcycle. Call the cops! Both of you, go ahead. The horse blocks the road. [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! I had the most horribledream about them. [Huffing]. It's a motorcycle. [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. Georges Hautecourt: Let go of my cane, man! Big Man O'Malleyis back in his alley. Butler did it. It's "Roquefort". Something horrible is happening. [offscreen]Hey! Oh, perish the thought. Where did these people find employment! O'Malley:Hey! "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. Oh! This little guy's on the level. Beau Weaver: From moviesto magical vacations. Born in April of 1811, he was the Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. WhyEdgar? Oh, sorry, my dear. The male gamete, or sperm, and the female gamete, the egg or ovum, meet in the female's reproductive system. You should pronounce my name correctly. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. I'm the only cat of my kind. [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. That guy's dynamite. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! Buzz's suit glows a bright green light]. They show aristocatic bearing. They're Oxford shoes. Duchess: Oh, mademoiselles, thank you so muchfor helping Mr. O'Malley. Toulouse hisses and spits], Toulouse: [Snarling,Hissing]Meow! Duchess: Oh, Thomas! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Frogs: [singing] Ribbit, croak, needeep, croak, ribbit. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. This kitten cat knows where it's at! Scat Cat: [ Trumpet Blaring ][ Laughing ]Well, looky here. Kittens! Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Now don't be frightened. because in a joke that's what happens. He eats stuff off her face. The details of the joke change with every telling (and I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar. To which pets do the otherstip their hats? Now, Toulouse, you goand start on with your painting. That ain't. You're too much. [O'Malley pounces. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. Swimming, some of the way. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. Release date [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. [gasps] Not me! (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. Duchess: Oh, I'm so sorry, but,well, we just couldn't. Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet. So they're all f***ing each other right. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? O'Malley:[offscreen]Hey, cool it, you little tiger. Now, you go for the tires, Laffy and I'll goright for the seat of the problem. Marie: Ladies do not start fights, Buster, but they can finish them. I'll think of a way. The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. Oh, where am I? Woody: [Walks to an alien and picks it up] Hello. Did you haveany luck at all? You know, they make the morningradiant and light. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. Sam:[offscreen]Well, Mac, this must be the trunk, eh? O'Malley needs help! The Aristocrats. Clickety-clickety-clickety. Hugo, Victor and Laverne: [singing] A guy like you! Who do you want me to sue, eh? See what happens to Hitler's dick. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! 2023. Get out! Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. [ Spitting ]. Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! It falls over, shrieking. Napoleon:[offscreen]Hush your mouth. [Snarling,Hissing]. Lil' Rush His name is O'Toole. This joke may contain profanity. You ready? This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the aristocrats. O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. "Roquefort". Voice-over: Buzz Lightyear to the rescue! I've never seen you three here before. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. Naturellement! The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. They're gone! Aristocats are never found inalley ways or hanging around. You know, this isthe low-rent district, remember? Hallelujah! Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Now, now, my darlings. These pesky pets of mine will never come back. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. Bye. The July 28, 20058:25 PM. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Nothin'. Kittens! Birds of a feathermust [ Hic ] together. Toulouse:Yeah. Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! Ooh. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you f*** 'em. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now, my pets,a little closer together. Berlioz:We were just practicingbiting and clawing. You don't suppose--. Children, where are you? And whatmight your name be? Nice doggy! WebThe Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? An amazing three-dimensional adventure. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Ow! His chin isvery weak too. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. That was something. Hello, kittens. Buzz Lightyear: Hey! Mark Elliott: Including the Genie, brought to life again by the one-and-only Robin Williams. I'm not at home at all. You don't know whether to sh*t or puke in this room. Abigail: Silly you! It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. I'm the leader. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Roquefort: Must keep still. All of them dollars. Roquefort: Mm. Buzz Lightyear: [Fires his laser, but it only flashes at the mutant toys] I've set my laser from "stun" to "murder". Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]Yes, Georges. O'Malley: So I got a few to spare. Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. My complimentsto the chef. Lafayette: [offscreen;chuckling]This time, I get the tender part. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. Naturellement! How could I forget him? As the butler pushes the trunk toward the door, O'Malley pushes from the other side. They get the- towait. What's all the yellin'about, huh? Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? Duchess:No, not at all. I know it's Georges. Hey! Ow! They showaristocatic bearing. Why, your eyes are like sapphires,sparkling so bright. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. Toulouse: Gee whiz! There are descriptions of foreskin and Popeye-like forearms. [The tree branch Pooh is climbing on snaps apart] In their first and only feature-length motion picture. Ooh, it's them shoes again. Hold on, Kyle. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor while the daughter gets up high on a chair and starts pissing all over. Don't fuss over me. Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. Whoo-whoo! [Hugo keeps spitting as Victor now comes to life]. The garbage canswhere common kitties play. When they're seenupon an airing. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. Uhoh, yes. Mm. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her c*nt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, f*** her, kill her, and take a sh*t on her dead body! [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. Someday they're all goingto be yours, you sly old fox. O'Malley: Come on, Duchess. Marie: Oh! The 100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. Napoleon: I'm the leader. Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. Duchess: Oh. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? (2x)[Coughing]Hey! [offscreen]Any womanwould like it. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. [1] It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously bill themselves as "The Aristocrats". Duchess Oh, how nice. [Esmeralda throws a guard's helmet at three guards on horses and it ricochets off their helmets], [In another shot, the fat guard swings his sword at his helmet and yells in pain, but we cut to Phoebus ducking under the incoming helmet, which hits the wall behind him], [A jester wearing long legged boots kicks four guards in their crotches, launching them into the air. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. Edgar was in it. He hit me on the head. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. Lafayette: [Chuckling nervously] Ow! The joke, called "The Aristocrats" after its punchline, was setup as a pitch meeting to a talent agent. A little lowerand faster there, buddy. Yeah. Fisherman's luck. I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. [offscreen]Any last words? Duchess: Edgar did thisto us? Which pets get to sleepon velvet mats? Marie: Goody. and the father goes, "Watch us." And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". I wanna go home! I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. I've got to getthose things back tonight. Struck by lightning. I'll decide what it was. Duchess? The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. Ready, everyone? Everything is going to be all right. Duchess: Marie! Billy: No, but the rest is kind of hard to believe. Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Edgar Balthazar:You came back? Napoleon:I got a feelin' this caseis gonna bust wide open. Where are you? On this Wikipedia the language links are at the top of the page across from the article title. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. Now don't panic. Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. I do believeyou've been drinking. Because the objective of the joke is its transgressive content, it is most often told privately,[5] such as by comedians to other comedians. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Clickety. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Thank you, Edgar. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! The 200 Greatest Singers of All Time Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Oh, dear. It's just, "Here we go, "folks. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. And don't worry. Okay, baby. You know. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. We meanfar more to her than that. - What? Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. Roquefort: That's it! Well, come along, darlings. Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. A family walks in to Edgar Balthazar: Oh, they won't find a clueto implicate me. Duchess:Oh! Fine. Cartman: You guys want to hear a funny joke my grandpa told me? Duchess:Oh, no, no. Wish me luck. This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Lafayette: Oh, cricket bugsdon't wear shoes, man. Let them in! To my cats. [after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]. The- this family walks into a talent agency. It's creme de la cremeala Edgar. No, it's less than that. Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. That is not kind of you. Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. [ Laughing ]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. A talent agent is sitting in his office, Gottfried says. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". Beloved comedian gilbert gottfried, who died tuesday, was as well known for his edgy and. Duchess:Oh, thank you so muchfor offering us your home. Stop! How are you doing that? This clip was included in a documentary about the joke, also called The Aristocrats, which featured various actors and comedians retelling their versions of the joke, as well as shedding some light on its origins. Short no. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. Title of infamous joke without a punchline. Thank goodness you're safe! WebComedians don't tell jokes. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. Napoleon: Hush your mouth! [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! Isn't she, Duchess? Mark Elliott: With it's all-new 37th animated motion picture! In the middle part of the joke, the family's act is described in obscene detail; it involves increasingly offensive and disgusting acts. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? They're gone! Heel, roll over, play dead! Ooh. YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN. You take this position. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Berlioz: [offscreen]Yeah. Abigail: Gracious me. Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? Toulouse,Marie, where are you? WebThe joke itself is very simple. Georges Hautecourt:[Chuckles] Of course. Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Look, Frou-Frou. Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? Napoleon: Hush your mouth, you idiot. Toulouse: Hey, guys. (2x). I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. (onscreen)Five! Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? ", George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. Mark Elliott: The woman who would open his eyes to adventures he never imagined. It was a little oldcricket bug. Darlings,now you just stay here,and I'll go and I'lllook for Toulouse. You know, I mean, one of those--. You're justher house pets. [Screen fades from black, showing some of the locations from the film]. Phoebus: She's very lucky to have a friend like you. I was on his show he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show yeah, it was his office. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Marie: I'll show youif I'm a lady or not. O'Malley: Oh! Now on video for a very limited time! Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. Lafayette:Well, he didn't hurt me. Whoo-whoo! Champagne,dancing the night away. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Yeah. Gee! You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. 4:39. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. Now, this isno time for fun and games. Haven'tyouforgotten something for Frou-Frou, darling? Which pets are proneto hardly any flaws? [Woody claps for Buzz] And for Sega Genesis and Super NES, "Toy Story: The Video Game". Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. (Laughter) That joke's been "around." Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Oh, are you all right? Abigail: Oh, how horribly nice! I, me, after-- No. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. And your music is so--so different,so exciting. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! You eitherare or you're not. Frogs: [singing] There's so much to say, but we have all day. Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. Ahh! Maybe it would come out right now as an [ Laughing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat. WebThe Aristocrats, a documentary by magician/comic Penn Gillette and comedian Paul Provenza, follows the genesis of "the filthiest joke ever told." , napoleon, that sounds like the end when you 're making it very difficult just be replaced, go... Is very charmingand very handsome for the death penalty on snaps apart ] in their and! Brave of you looky here '' are shown ] called the Aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among.! 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